Grieving an absent parent

And just like that… you are gone. You were never here, but now you really really are not here. And I feel like a lost child, missing something so deeply and not knowing what. My mind keeps racing asking hundreds of questions – what if I tried? And should I have tried? Did you think of me when you were dying (how very selfish of me, but yes, this question kept lurking in my head – maybe a video tape type of memory lane people supposedly see when they are dying)… am I allowed to grieve? Am I allowed to be sad? People giving me condolences and I don’t know how to accept them, I feel like explaining myself, but at the same time so in need of all the support. I am nearly 30 years old and only now calling you “dad”, it was always “my father, but I don’t really know him” and now here I am crying and crying and missing my dad! How could I miss something I never had?

I am thinking and thinking over and over, reading online forums, searching for answers for all of my questions and yet the main question is still up in the air and no one can answer it – what would it have been like if I had you in my life?

And the grieving time is over and I can no longer cry and no one is talking about you anymore, I am starting to feel like “I am slowly moving on” but yet some emptiness is stinging inside me and I keep randomly thinking about you and just hope that maybe next time, if there is such thing as your next life, maybe I can have you in my life.

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