It’s my Depression, not me

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I’ve been so angry with myself for my actions and words that came out of my mouth in the most “uncontrollable” moments of my Depression…

I had to say sorry more times than I can remember because of believing in Depression but not in myself.

I have wasted hours and days worrying and stressing over something that never happened or is very unlikely to happen.

I cancelled so many plans when deeply inside I really wanted to go…

And even though now I am stronger than  my Depression sometimes there are days where I just…

run away and hide not because I want to get away but because I am afraid of being hurt and if I open up.

I stay quiet in work and don’t say much not because I am “not in a good mood” or not friendly enough but simply because I doubt that my thoughts are good enough to start a conversation…

I don’t call my friends not because I forget about them but because I worry they may not want my company when I am feeling depressed.

I annoyingly keep asking for reassurance in a relationship not because of trust issues but simply because Depression makes me feel “not good enough to be loved”.

I keep snapping, shouting and crying or even all at once not because I don’t want to be around but simply because all the emotions inside me burst out all at once and I feel lost.

and no matter how many times it keeps happening, I keep trying to get better and stronger than my Depression.

So bear with me please?

“I couldn’t be with people and I didn’t want to be alone. Suddenly my perspective whooshed and I was far out in space, watching the world. I could see millions and millions of people, all slotted into their lives; then I could see me—I’d lost my place in the universe. It had closed up and there was nowhere for me to be. I was more lost than I had known it was possible for any human being to be.” – Marian Keyes, Anybody Out There?

 

4 thoughts on “It’s my Depression, not me

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